I’ve always wanted to foster ever since I was young. When I discovered my mother and Auntie were fostered and later adopted, it sowed a seed and I told myself one day I will foster. I met my husband John in 1994 who had two younger children of his own, aged 9 and 11 years at the time. In my early 30s I started menopause and later found out I was unable to have children of my own.
In the Summer of 2008, we were on our way to do the weekly shop when we came across a fostering information stand outside the supermarket. I had this light bulb moment and thought, let’s put our names in the hat and see if they want us. I had no idea about Independent Fostering Agencies, I just knew they needed carers. From this point on, my life changed. My husband John and I became fully fledged foster carers on 12 January 2009 when I was aged 38. I’m now 51 and still love it.
Having fostered with an Independent Fostering Agency (IFA) for five years, we transferred to Hampshire County Council and have been with them for eight years and counting. We transferred because there is a lot more training and resources available with Hampshire compared to the IFA. We primarily support teenage boys and asylum seekers and have cared for 64 young people to date. The first night we were approved I woke up 20 times in the night thinking my phone would ring but it didn’t. The next afternoon we got a call saying they had a 14-year-old girl who needed a place to stay. Since then, we’ve never looked back at fostering teenagers.
On occasion we’ve cared for little ones when they’ve been part of a sibling group. We’ve been there to keep the family together and I think this is so important. If you have the space to keep a sibling group together, do it. The first 3-year-old boy we cared was going for adoption. At this time, we seriously considered adoption for ourselves, though when we spoke with our children they said, ‘if you want to’. We wanted to help children but not at the expense of ours. Our children were happy to foster but they didn’t seem 100% for adoption. It’s important to ensure your family are on board when it comes to fostering, and adoption if that’s something you’re also interested in. Hampshire County Council are good at including and supporting your children throughout your fostering application and thereafter. The Hampshire Hive are new support networks that ensure foster carers are well supported, as well as their birth children and the children they are caring for. The Hives host social get-togethers like BBQs, rounders tournaments and days out for all the family, as well as bespoke training for foster carers and more.
With us everyone gets a fresh start. John and I are fed up with seeing negative stereotypes of young boys. People think they only cause trouble, they’re ‘too macho to be loved’ and that they don’t have emotions. It’s not like that at all. They must feel so unloved, so no wonder some young people go to gangs if they have no resemblance of a home life. As foster carers we’re there to offer them that break and that opportunity to change paths. We support every young person with their education because there’s a whole world out there, they can explore. It’s about making those choices so you can do things, and if you make a hiccup that’s up to you and it’s something you can learn from. You choose your paths from your choices.
We take self-harmers which people may be shocked with but over time and with the knowledge from training courses, you know how to deal with these situations and can talk these young people through better coping strategies. Training is a tool you may need one day, and Hampshire County Council offer plenty of courses to help you in your role as a foster carer.
I wouldn’t want any child to be on the street anywhere in the world. Imagine taking that journey on a boat or in a lorry for hundreds of miles. Would you be happy to do that for safety and for a better life? These are children and they don’t understand the world and how it works yet. As foster carers, we’re there to support them and we take the time to learn their culture to help make them feel more at home. As a couple we love to travel and see new places. For us, we enjoy learning the culture, the food and exploring places as a family. Sometimes it’s just about doing the little things for these young people, like buying a cookbook so you can cook cuisines from their countries.
From our experience, I think it makes it easier being in a couple when caring for asylum seekers because of the power balance. In some cultures, it is acceptable to be disrespectful to women, so when they come to us, we have that role reversal compared to what they may be used to. For example, John will make us all a cup of tea, whereas I will oversee the money.
We still keep in touch with some of our care leavers. One of the young boys we cared for gave me a card which said, ‘Always my Mum’ and it’s fair to say there were happy tears. In all honesty, fostering does come with its challenges, but the positives are so rewarding. If you’re considering fostering, go to an event and find out more. You can speak with a foster carer like myself or ask the team any questions you may have.
Learn more about the Hampshire Hive here.
Interested in events? See our calendar of free information sessions here.
*Name has been changed.