What do you enjoy most about fostering?
“We love the banter at the dinner table, the relationships between the children, the really special moments when a child with low self-esteem will speak up for themselves. When the most outwardly surly of teenagers asks for a hug. We love when 15-year-olds are able to still be a child – building dens and putting on shows; watching each individual grow by giving them access to as many activities and opportunities as possible.”
Why is fostering so important?
“Fostering is so important because you can make a difference, even with the most street-wise, non-conforming, outwardly angry teenager who “doesn’t need you”. So many of the young people who come into care have built whole fortresses around themselves and it’s a challenge to slowly pull away the bricks and see the frightened child beneath. Don’t get me wrong, some placements have tested us to the extreme. You have to be pretty good at juggling – what with all the practicalities of looking after the children’s physical needs, meeting their emotional needs (and acting as chief negotiator when arguments break out!) in addition to supporting and facilitating contact, attending the meetings, paperwork…. there’s a lot to it. We are lucky in that Tom and I have an incredibly strong relationship and our skills and experiences complement each other.
The children we look after have been with us some time and will often comment on how their lives would be very different if they were not in care. Our eldest foster child was in a pupil referral unit aged 9. He climbed buildings, had been out from dawn to dusk since before the age of 5 and couldn’t sit still at school. He was placed with us aged 10 and just by providing him patience, stability and love he is now a 17-year-old, about to learn to drive (yikes!), having passed all his GCSEs grades A to C. He is training to be an electrician and looking forward to travelling the world. We are SO proud.
There are nine of us in total (every child is at a different school and mornings are like a military operation, but we turn the music up and sing our heads off in the car through the 40-minute journey) Every day has its ups and downs, but we just feel an overwhelming sense of family and that being part of each child’s life and journey is a privilege.”
Has there been a significant person or moment that has changed your life?
“Every single child has an impact on me, not only emotionally – (you give so much of yourself it’s impossible not to be affected), but professionally too because you are always reflecting and learning. We’ve had teenagers come to us at 15 and leave at 18 and no matter what your input has been to try and change the course of their life for the better – many will go back to their families or old ways and it can feel like all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears has been for nothing. However, when you sit back and really reflect back you know that, at the very least you have shown them what a positive life can be like. We keep in contact with many of the children we fostered who are now adults and every now and again you see that you have made a difference – sometimes it’s in a comment on Facebook or a positive choice/decision they have made.”
How do you help create special moments for the children and young people you care for?
“Holidays – lots of them – buckets and spades, midnight feasts, camping, first time on an aeroplane, theme nights (Burns, James Bond), swimming in lakes, trips to restaurants, music around the fire pit, barbecues on the beach, baking gingerbread men, Christmas cookies and cakes, Season’s Greetings (we go ALL-OUT for the whole of December!) Dinner parties with mocktails, VE day celebrations, visits to farms, den building, picnics, pyjama/movies days with popcorn, regular family film nights, family cricket, Visits to the cinema, Trips to the theatre / pantomimes. During lockdown, each child kept a diary of all the things we did. We also keep memory boxes.”
What would you say to people apprehensive about fostering?
“I think fostering is a big deal and a huge responsibility that’s not to be taken lightly. I understand why people are apprehensive about taking that leap and no-one should go into fostering without being as sure as possible it’s for them and their family. You need to consider the impact on your own children, how you are going to keep yourself and your family safe and also how the household rules will need to change and consistent for birth children and the children you foster. The assessment process is long and intrusive, which is how it should be. I’ve supported some potential foster carers who assume that the children will be “just like our own” This is just not the case.
For the first four years of fostering, I was working full-time in a demanding job in education. It was hard and I was lucky as, because of my position I was able to attend meetings about the children easily. I think anyone wanting to foster needs a really supportive partner/support group around them who are prepared to commit to fostering and understand that there will be tough times ahead (along with absolutely brilliant ones!)”