Did you have any expectations of the foster carer role if so, have they changed in any way?
“I was really nervous, and I still get nervous before a placement because I know how important first impressions are. I needed to realise that although it’s great to have high expectations of yourself – you’re not superhuman. It takes a while to get used to the acronyms and systems of childrens services but that’s like any specialist area.
It’s taken us a while and lots of reflection but I really feel we’re at a place where all the children feel safe, secure and loved. We’ve worked hard to build positive relationships with the team around the child and this helps us to minimise the intrusion caused by the statutory meetings etc. We have lots of ups and downs, but I expected that.”
How were you prepared for your first placement?
“I had girl bedding and accessories and boy bedding and accessories, a range of clothing in different sizes, chicken nuggets and pot noodle in the cupboard… I was about as prepared and as organised as a person could be practically, but nothing really prepares you for the little person standing at your door at 7pm on a Friday evening with nothing more that the school uniform they’re standing up in.”
How do you deal with challenging behaviour?
“The more experienced you are the more honed your observational skills become. I work hard to notice the potential for behaviour to escalate and use my tool kit to de-escalate things before they get out of hand. If however meltdown is reached there’s no point in talking… you just need to keep the child safe and be calm until they’re calm enough to be able to process and listen. The main strategy is consistency and really knowing the children – their triggers, their fears, the antagonists. I am firm (with so many competing personalities and needs within the house I have to be, but I balance this with a sense of fun / the ridiculous, lots of singing and dancing!”
How do you manage saying goodbye?
“Most of the time you will know whether the placement is likely to become longer–term and the likelihood of needing to say goodbye. I go into one of two modes – rehabilitation – focusing on the child and their family – building resilience, coping strategies, self-regulatory and self-advocacy skills into the child’s tool kit as quickly as possible. You keep just a little bit of yourself back to stay focused on the aim. For children likely to go long term we go straight into stability mode – building trust and focusing on the inter-relationships within the household - doing your utmost to encourage the child to buy into family life and become a stakeholder – an important part of our family unit. They call our house “home” “my house” They describe other foster children as brothers and sisters and we’re foster mum and dad or Barbara and Tom, aunty and uncle or carers – whatever they feel happy with. Our foster children are all currently planning on staying with us after 18 and there is an arrangement that will allow them to do that called ‘Staying Put’.”
What advice would you give to people considering fostering?
“If you have children of your own, think long and hard about how you will manage the relationships within the house, make everything fair and keep everyone safe. Think about your pets if you have any – are they okay around strangers? How will you keep them safe? If you work, talk to your employer about ability to attend meetings. Talk to your family and friends – you’ll need some support around you, but they also need to know that you cannot share the children’s private information. Talk to other foster carers – don’t be afraid to ask anything – if you’re thinking it – you can guarantee others before you have too. Don’t go into this thinking it’s just like looking after your own children. It’s not. Reflect on your own prejudices, attitudes and beliefs – what really annoys you? Work through some scenarios - If one of the things that trigger strong feelings in you happens in your home – how would you manage it? What age children will fit best with your family and why?”
Is there anything else you would like to share?
“I can honestly say fostering has changed our lives. Having been a nurse and teacher before a foster carer, I was naturally drawn to the caring professions and wanting to make a difference. As a teacher I used to get frustrated that no matter how much work you put in during college hours on trying to make that difference, it was often undone the moment the vulnerable young person goes home. As a foster carer you can have a positive influence on every aspect of a child’s life; relationships, education, lifestyle, decision making, personal safety… the list goes on.
It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done. The responsibility – feeling the need to be everything to everyone, questioning yourself, days when you feel emotionally battered and bruised and physically and mentally exhausted.
Luckily, the overall feeling is one of satisfaction and being part of the most amazing family ever!”