After 20 years of fostering, my husband and I retired in September 2020. I felt it was time to give back to my daughters now we have grandchildren. They grow up so fast and you forget how demanding young children are. I do miss fostering but we had an amazing journey.
When I first realised, I wanted to foster was when I was working in my local hospital caring for adults with head injuries. My husband and I knew we didn’t want any more of our own children but felt we could still offer something. We sat down with our daughters and asked them what they thought about it. They were still at school and were 100% supportive of our decision; our youngest was especially excited. I think because our girls were older, aged 9 and 11, it was a good experience for them and I’m so proud of them. They’ve seen children come with nothing and they treat them very much as part of the family.
I didn’t have any childcare experience other than parenting my own children. Many people have worked with children but fostering is completely different because, depending on the type of care you provide, you have them in your home 24/7.
Once we were approved foster carers, our first placement was a baby who came to us straight from hospital. We had the baby for four weeks and I found it a massive responsibility. We specialised in respite, so short breaks, and mostly short-term foster care. You don’t realise how much heart you put into fostering until they go. Our next placement were two boys aged 3 and 5 years. They were adopted and I was so upset to see them go. Of course, it’s wonderful they find their forever family, but I must say the first goodbye is the worst. Once you’ve said it once, it’s ok and you find it slightly easier as time goes on because you know why you’re doing this; you’re giving these children a good start in life.
If you’re interested in caring for sibling groups, ensure you give them their own time each especially the eldest because they usually act as the carer of their younger siblings. For example, if you’re at the dinner table and a younger sibling gets upset, their older brother or sister will try to help which is very sweet, but you are the carer at the end of the day, and it’s their turn to be cared for. We’ve had so much fun fostering, it’s not about spending lots or going out all the time. All they really want, and need is your time and someone to listen to them. They haven’t got confidence or self-esteem and you can help them build that. When it comes to fostering, you need to be open-minded, patient, understanding and try not to be too regimented.
There’s always one child that sticks in your mind and for me it was Olivia*. She was 14 months, and her mother was in prison for a short while. Sadly, she passed away and so Olivia went through adoption after staying with us for three years. I remember giving notice for one placement and I blamed myself because it didn’t work out, but sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes the match doesn’t always work out and that’s ok. You can’t beat yourself up about it. It’s better to be honest because there will be times you think this isn’t for me; sometime placements don’t fit.
I’ve loved fostering, both my husband and I really enjoyed it. Emotionally, I feel you need to give these children more than you would your own. You don’t realise how emotionally adapted your own children are. When I first fostered, I wanted our first Christmas together to be amazing and I
thought that by giving these children material things, they’d be so happy. It’s not like that. It’s the emotion behind the actual day and you have to be aware of how they feel. There might be occasions that trigger a feeling, such as Christmas, that reminds them of their families and no amount of gifts can change that.
Kids have their own little ways of dealing with past experiences. Your own kids know your buttons whereas these children don’t, and they can push you and push you to react. They do things for a reason, and they might take it out on you because you’re there. Sometimes you have to walk out of the room and count to 10. It’s a different parenting style to how you may have brought up your own children. All these things are covered during your training and the team are really honest with you; the training courses are there to try and prepare you to become the best foster carer you can be.
I now volunteer at a local school because I miss working with the children. The school that I work at are really experienced with vulnerable children. If a child is late, they don’t discipline them, they feed them breakfast and are appreciative that they’ve turned up in the first place. Honestly, the teachers and support staff at these schools are the best. It’s an eye-opener what effort and support they give the children.
*Name has been changed.